Monthly Archives: March 2016

When You’re on the Swing

There are times when you must not choose.

You have been swinging, back and forth, back and forth, between who you were and who you are becoming. Your stomach flips. You are dizzy. You can’t breathe. And your heart. You canimages-1.jpeg not feel your heart for all its churning.

Everyone asks you:

What is next? What do you want? What’s the latest? Any updates?

Suddenly How are you? makes you feel like throwing up, even though you are so, so, so grateful that you have someone checking in on you (the silence from those who’ve stopped coming around is a heavy weight on your lap as you swing, and you doubt, and you berate yourself for not being able to choose, dammit, choose a landing spot and be happy).

You try to pray. You try to vision. You try to connect with your feelings (Well, how do you FEEL?). There are no pretty collages of beautiful blues and sandy beaches. There are no words or mantras. There aren’t even any tears. And then there are so many. And everything is just so blurry from all of this swinging.

You eat a lot of string cheese. At night.

You eek out a little bit of surrender each time you go to sleep. You aren’t sure what you’re holding on to or what you still need, so it’s hard to let anything go.

You simplify your prayers:

May I please enjoy the peace inside of my sleep tonight?  Just remind me I’m okay.

You remind yourself that there are lovely surprises inside of every day, and you remember, for roughly 0.7 seconds, to look for them when you get outside. One day, you see a dragonfly and actually remember to say thank you.

And then you swing again between memories and fears, memories and fears, memories and fears.images.jpeg

Push, pull, push, pull, back and forth, back and forth…

Until you are mercifully thrown, or maybe you actually leap, untethered, into the space between here and there, what was and what will be.

And now… you must. not. choose.

Why is this the bravest thing you’ve ever done?

You don’t know.

How will this make you happier? Better? Stronger? Safer?

You don’t know.

How long do you have to be suspended here? Unsure of who or where you are?

You don’t know.

But this is what is next, this is all you want, this is how you are: You are off the damn swing.

What looks to the world like constant indecision is the biggest choice you’ve ever made: to be where you are, untethered, ungrounded, all options unnamed and yet unseen.

What do you want?
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Right now you don’t want a thing other than to spend a moment unburdened from decisions and action plans. Right now you want to celebrate being off the damn swing.

Amen.

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